Don't get too excited; my deepest, darkest secrets are buried, awaiting their reveal when the time is right (wink).
However, maybe some of you have similar struggles and can offer some advice. Or maybe you'll take away from this post something that will help you take one step closer to living a simpler life.
You may already know your ultimate captor; maybe, like me, you're fighting an uphill battle to free yourself, to "breathe easy" and smile a little more. Maybe, just maybe, you already understand that the most torturous, miserable, relentless captor of all is one's own mind.
Mine has me by the pinky toes, and it's whispering such negative, demeaning tales (some real and some not) into my ears. Just when I think I'm taking one step forward into the positive side, it reminds me of all the negativity around me and within, in my life, in my relationships.
Confession: I tend to hold grudges. I don't mean to; I actually tell myself that I'm being unreasonable, that I need to just forgive and forget, to let go and move on. I can get upset about a simple miscommunication, a tone of voice, a complete and utter mishap, and sometimes it takes me hours to get past it. Recently, I convinced myself not to let some small miscommunication ruin the rest of a good evening, not even the following five minutes. Progress! One step forward...
But then something not so small happened, something that really hurt me and made me think—a lot—too much—way too much. Every time I attempted to work my way through the situation, to get past it and move on, my captor whispered those little tales into my ears. It reminded me of the hurt and anger, and I just couldn't get past it. Not only did it affect the way I think (my self-esteem, self-worth, view of my surroundings and life in general), but it affected my behavior and, therefore, those around me. I've written this paragraph in the past tense, but let me be honest—I'm struggling at this very moment to get past this one. Two steps back...
Sometimes the simplest thing to do is the most difficult. "Just do it" just doesn't do it. "Just push those negative thoughts out, and replace them with the positives," "focus on the beauty in life," "you control your own happiness." Excuse me, but these all suck right now. My mind has hidden all the good, well, most of the good, and is only allowing me access to the bad. No matter how hard I try to find the good, to take another step forward, it takes me back to the bad, and I'm back in that hopeless state.
One step forward, two steps back; that means I'm going backwards. How do I break the trend?
Does this sound familiar to anyone? I hope I'm not alone in this struggle.
Thanks for reading. Your comments are always appreciated (preferably on this site rather than on Facebook).
