Mind games

I have been far from motivated to write this past month (and then some). I've been ashamed to admit that I am completely failing at this whole "living simply" thing. I've struggled with how much I care to share with you, but in the end, it's the truth that sets us free, right?

Don't get too excited; my deepest, darkest secrets are buried, awaiting their reveal when the time is right (wink).

However, maybe some of you have similar struggles and can offer some advice. Or maybe you'll take away from this post something that will help you take one step closer to living a simpler life.

You may already know your ultimate captor; maybe, like me, you're fighting an uphill battle to free yourself, to "breathe easy" and smile a little more. Maybe, just maybe, you already understand that the most torturous, miserable, relentless captor of all is one's own mind.

Mine has me by the pinky toes, and it's whispering such negative, demeaning tales (some real and some not) into my ears. Just when I think I'm taking one step forward into the positive side, it reminds me of all the negativity around me and within, in my life, in my relationships.

Confession: I tend to hold grudges. I don't mean to; I actually tell myself that I'm being unreasonable, that I need to just forgive and forget, to let go and move on. I can get upset about a simple miscommunication, a tone of voice, a complete and utter mishap, and sometimes it takes me hours to get past it. Recently, I convinced myself not to let some small miscommunication ruin the rest of a good evening, not even the following five minutes. Progress! One step forward...

But then something not so small happened, something that really hurt me and made me think—a lot—too much—way too much. Every time I attempted to work my way through the situation, to get past it and move on, my captor whispered those little tales into my ears. It reminded me of the hurt and anger, and I just couldn't get past it. Not only did it affect the way I think (my self-esteem, self-worth, view of my surroundings and life in general), but it affected my behavior and, therefore, those around me. I've written this paragraph in the past tense, but let me be honest—I'm struggling at this very moment to get past this one. Two steps back...

Sometimes the simplest thing to do is the most difficult. "Just do it" just doesn't do it. "Just push those negative thoughts out, and replace them with the positives," "focus on the beauty in life," "you control your own happiness." Excuse me, but these all suck right now. My mind has hidden all the good, well, most of the good, and is only allowing me access to the bad. No matter how hard I try to find the good, to take another step forward, it takes me back to the bad, and I'm back in that hopeless state.

One step forward, two steps back; that means I'm going backwards. How do I break the trend?

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I hope I'm not alone in this struggle. 

Thanks for reading. Your comments are always appreciated (preferably on this site rather than on Facebook).

Guts vs brains

Relief and regret—familiar with them? That’s because you’ve probably experienced one or the other after every big decision you've made. But what makes decision-making so difficult? Is it the decision to be made or the making? And could we make it simpler?

 After a year and a half of playing a weekly poker tournament for charity, I believe relief and regret are the two emotions every player juggles throughout a single game. Personally, I’ve probably endured the latter more often than the former, but I’m not alone. 

The biggest decision to make in poker is whether or not to play the hand you’ve been given. In Texas Hold ‘em, you have a chance before the flop to get out and never even give your cards the light of day. Deciding which hands to play sometimes requires much thought: position in relation to the dealer, who's sitting directly to your left, how many people call the blind before you, did anybody raise?, etc. Thinking plays an important role in the game of poker...except when it doesn't have to.

When I first started playing, I had so much to learn. A year later, still learning, I was becoming a threat, a small one, but a threat nonetheless. Wanting to gain more knowledge and improve my game, I sought out some reading materials. Though I had delved into knowledge and steadfast advice, my game began to regress. I was the first player out of the next two or three tournaments (embarrassing).  I was playing logically, carefully, making the right moves at the right times, or so the books had taught me. So, what was I doing wrong?

To be honest, the answer was clear; I just didn't want to believe it. I was so eager to play "smart," to make the "right" decisions, to justify my actions with logic, that I forgot my most important tool in the game: instinct.

After so many frustrating losses, I finally pushed much of what I had "learned" to the back of my mind and just played. You can probably guess what happened.

I recently enjoyed a string of small victories, making it to the final table and even winning a couple of tournaments. How did I do it? Along with a little bit of luck, I stopped making the game more complicated than it needed to be. I quit talking myself out of winning hands; I stopped thinking about what the books had taught me; I stopped making decisions based purely on logic. I started listening to my gut and taking chances.

Let's go back to relief and regret. No one likes the latter, usually accompanied by guilt or anger or both. But let's be honest: you've got an important decision to make—take the job, move to another state, which college?, get married?, break up?—You know deep down what you want or what you need to do, but still, you make the list of pros and cons, ask for advice, wait for a sign, and ultimately make yourself sick with stress.  Logic says "safe" and "justification." But your gut says "go for it (or not)." From personal experience (and I'm not talking about poker anymore), anytime I've ever ignored my gut, regret weighed on me. Sometimes our "inner knowing" (note: not knowledge) is what we have to rely on. But what if we choose to rely on it more often and not just when it's our only lifeline? How much simpler could our lives be if we just listened to our guts? How often do you hear, "I shouldn't have listened to my gut?"

A few days ago, while I was brainstorming this post, I happened across a speech on TEDTalks Teens by a woman who, as a teen, attended a mission trip. At the last moment, she decided not to return home, but to stay based on a gut feeling. Her journey thereafter wasn't stress-free by any means, but she certainly had no regrets. Here's the link to the video, and I hope you'll take the time to watch it, even for just a few minutes to get the point. Amaryllis hit the nail on the head. Copy and paste the URL. If it doesn't work, go to the TED Talks Teens website, click on "Talks," and choose "Following Instinct-Amaryllis Fox." Warning: it's just shy of 20 minutes, so only watch it when you have a few to spare.

http://tedxteen.com/talks/tedxteen-2013/160-amaryllis-fox-following-instinct

Rhyland



 

Simplicity isn't so simple.

A popular activity at leadership camps involves a giant spider web, made up of PVC pipe and bungee cords. I remember participating in the activity at a church retreat a couple of years ago. Our director gave my team these instructions:

1. Everyone on the team must pass from one side of the web to the other.
2. The maximum number of times the group may touch the web is three.

From here, we brainstormed how we could get everyone across the web without exceeding three touches. Of course, the bigger holes of the web were designated for the larger group members, while the smaller holes were designated for the smaller individuals. After spending a good half hour working our team through the web, carefully lifting the smaller persons and passing them through their web holes, slowly and mindfully stepping over and ducking under bungees to avoid disturbing the web, we finally managed to get the entire team to the other side. Did we respect the three-touch limit? I think we were close.

When we were done, the director showed us the simplest strategy to succeed. Two members pull a total of three lengths of the bungee to create one large hole, which the rest of the team easily steps through. The last two, while still holding the bungees, climb through as well, never letting go.

Simple as that...

Besides teamwork and thinking outside the box, when I think back on that little adventure, I realize that in humankind's struggle to gain knowledge and solve all of its problems, it has mostly succeeded in further complicating life unnecessarily.

Put simply, we create new problems in an attempt to solve old ones, and every time we solve one, the next becomes drastically more complicated.

We place rules and restrictions on our own  lives and relationships, creating more and more complex situations for ourselves, when our sole purpose in life is to simply live. At least, that's my conclusion after 23 and a half years of living and loving, fighting and failing, solving and succeeding, falling and flying...and the list could go on.

I'm not here to say that life isn't difficult, full of tough situations and decisions. But my theory is that it doesn't have to be so complicated. Those who know me well can probably agree that, like many, I'm a complex individual, hard to please, moody, critical, constantly analyzing situations. That's why I want to encourage you to follow me on this journey as I learn how to live simply, and to simply live. You'll get an inside look at some of my struggles, triumphs, and realizations. I also encourage your feedback, criticisms, encouragements, advice, and perhaps some shared struggles as well.

I'll shoot for one post a week, but I think I'll need some help from my readers. Please don't hesitate...


Peace and Patience,
Rhyland